Right Here
by r2roswell
Summary: Takes place during episode 4x09, "Kill Shot". Beckett continues to struggle with her PTSD and gets help from a very annoying but persistant friend. (minor trigger warning)
1. Time

**Author's Note: **_First and foremost I would like to give a major thanks to a friend of mine from FB. She knows who she is. This series of ideas was hers. I take no credit except for the way the story was written, the premise of it, with Castle being there for Kate during her struggling time, was all hers. I just filled in the blanks. _

_She did not have the time to write it and so she let me take the reigns. I can only hope that I did her ideas justice and I am so grateful that she trusted me enough to write the story._

* * *

**1.) Time**

The sound of a car backfire. The sound of a police siren. The high rise buildings that surrounded her and her life in the city. The turn of the slightest corner. The sound of a chair scraping along the floor. Detective Kate Beckett hated every noise. She hated the way she had now become. It was one thing to be hyper vigilant it was another when that hyper vigilance took over your life.

She had shunned herself in, distanced herself from her colleagues and best friend. Beckett felt herself a coward. Several days ago after speaking to her therapist she knew that he was right. Beckett hated herself for admitting to it, she hated him, not that any of it was really his fault. He was merely offering suggestions. Whether she took him on that was something different all together. She had tried her best to work the sniper case, had tried to put her personal feelings aside but everywhere there was chaos, fear, reminders of her own shooting.

How was she supposed to do her job when she couldn't even keep herself together? Beckett wanted more than anything to work, to get her mind off her own problems but it was hard when the case was the problem. She had never been one to cower before. She had always been tough, able to handle her situations head on and with vengeance. Not today.

Today she felt like a scared little kid as she kept one of her hands in her pocket. It was bad enough her right hand was shaking. She didn't need her left one too. She hesitated at her captain's closed door. Beckett could feel the eyes on her, Esposito's, Ryan's, even Castle's, all of whom she had not acknowledged when she had walked in. She had to do this now before it became too much. Her hand shook as she opened the door. She closed it behind her.

* * *

Gate's back was facing Beckett looking at a file but she knew the detective had entered. She had seen the woman standing outside her doorway for a few seconds.

"Beckett," said Gates, "Where are we on our suspect? He's all ready killed again so we need to find him before more bodies surface."

"About that sir," said Beckett.

Gates turned to face her.

"I want off this case," said Beckett.

Gates glanced down at Beckett's right hand which was still shaking. Beckett made a note not to notice but placed her hand in her pocket anyways. Now she was evened out with both hands in her pockets.

"Can I ask why?"

Beckett glanced away to the window that led to part of the city. "I just don't think I'm qualified to handle this case."

"Beckett you are the most qualified detective I have on this team. If anyone can find this guy it's you."

"Why because of what happened to me!" Beckett said turning to look at Gates not intending to raise her voice but doing so regardless. "Just because I got shot does not mean I know how every psycho path operates."

Gates looked at her lead detective. After a couple of seconds she simply nodded and then said, "You haven't given yourself time to deal with your shooting have you?"

Beckett looked away again and said nothing. She wasn't sure what she feared most getting angry again or crying in front of her captain.

Gates nodded again. "Ryan and Esposito can take this one. Take some time off to get your affairs in order."

"How much time," Beckett said not looking at her captain.

"As much time as you need."

It was Beckett's turn to nod. She then glanced up. "Thank you sir," she said before making her exit.

The boys went back to pretending they had work to do but Beckett knew they had been watching, wondering what was important enough that Beckett had to close the door when talking to the captain.

She was glad she hadn't brought anything into work so it wouldn't feel awkward leaving. She gave a quick nod to the guys before making her way to the elevator. The precinct was starting to feel cramped and was nearly suffocating. She had to get out.


	2. Session

**2.) Session**

"What do you want from me," Beckett said as she sat in her therapists' office, arms crossed.

"I don't deal in wants. You came to me remember? What's happened since we last talked?"

"I took myself off the case."

"And how do you feel about that?"

"How do you think I feel? I'm sitting around doing nothing but whining."

"I wouldn't call it whining."

"Then what would you call it?"

"Healing. Why did you take yourself off the case?"

Beckett looked at him. She hated how her therapist always asked questions. It was his job sure but he was making this harder than it should be.

"Because it's what you told me to do."

"I didn't tell you what to do Kate, I merely made a suggestion. It was your choice to listen or not. What made you change your mind?"

Beckett looked away from Dr. Burke. "I went off on a suspect. He wasn't even the right one. I've gone off on suspects before, it's just part of the job but this time was different."

"How so?"

"He's a trained sniper. I didn't even care if he was the right one or not, I wanted to go at him. I um… I also questioned my captains' judgment." Beckett bit her lip and whispered, "I'm compromised," she said as tears welled up in her eyes.

"That's okay," said Dr. Burke.

"No it's not," she said turning to look at him. "I have always fought through every trial in my life. When my mom died I did everything I could to become a cop to bring her killer to justice and I'm still doing that, I haven't stopped. I have done everything and then more to bring the kind of justice to others that my mom never had. I have maybe taken only a day or two from being sick but even then I pushed through those. I've been attacked, been in nearly impossible to escape situations, had guns shoved in my face and nothing has ever stopped me."

"Until now."

"I don't see how this is any different," Kate said knowing her words were untrue but unwilling to face them.

"It's different because you were shot. You flat-lined Kate and the doctor's were able to bring you back. You can't go around thinking that hasn't affected you."

"I can sure as hell try."

"But you took yourself off the case. You had to have realized your limitations. You're not a superhuman Kate and no one expects you to be."

"I expect it."

"Maybe so but you've trusted others to take on a case that you don't feel confident in doing right now. So deep down you know that your expectation has no foundation. It's okay to not be okay. That doesn't make you weak or any less of a person."

"Just damaged," she said.

"So what if it does. Turn it into something positive. You can walk away from this case but you don't have to let this one or the shooting define who you are. Turn them into strengths the way you turned your mothers' murder into one."

Beckett wiped away some tears and placed her hands on her knees. "You know what I don't even know why I bother with this, it's just a waste of time," she said standing up.

Dr. Burke didn't bother to stop her only saying that, "You know my door is always open to you."


	3. Worry about You

**Author's Note: **_Trigger warning. I do use the behavior of cutting/self harm so you all have been warned. This had not been my intent originally but sometimes stories take on a life of their own and all you can do is run with it which is what happened._

* * *

**3.) Worry about You**

It was late in the evening. Castle sat in his office at home staring at his computer screen. He had several words typed but for the past fifteen minutes he had gone blank, his only real reminder was the ever annoying cursor that blinked.

He hadn't seen Beckett in two days. On several talks with Esposito he had been told to back off and to give Beckett space. How much though he wasn't sure. The only person that could help Beckett was herself. Rick had done all the research for those kinds of things. A person could only help themselves when they were ready. It did no good to push or to simply guide and be there but that was part of the problem.

He wanted to be there. He wanted to see her face. He wanted to be in the same room with her. He didn't care if Beckett was damaged or didn't have the strength to work the case. He didn't care if she wanted to be alone. He needed to be with her. Even strong arm Detective Kate Beckett needed a break once in a while.

Rick looked at his computer. Annoyed with the blinking cursor he closed his laptop and then stood up. Just as he made his way to the door it opened from the other side. His mother and daughter walked in.

"Dad, everything okay," Alexis asked registering the troubled look on her father's face.

"Yeah everything's fine," said Castle. "I just have to run."

"At this time of night," asked Martha, "Must be pretty important."

Castle shrugged. "These cases don't sleep."

"Why do I have the feeling this has nothing to do with the case," Martha asked.

Castle didn't want to get into this right now. He loved his mother but he was not in the mood for all the questions and theories.

Instead he placed a kiss on Alexis' forehead, "Don't wait up."

"I stopped doing that years ago," Alexis said teasing him.

"Well I haven't," said Martha.

Castle shot his mother a glance and she put her hands up in defense.

"Fine I won't," she said.

Castle smiled and left the loft.

* * *

Beckett sat against the wall with a glass of whiskey in hand wearing a long t-shirt and long mesh shorts, the kind that soccer players usually wore at practices. All the lights in the apartment were shut off, the blinds closed, windows locked, door locked with an extra deadbolt she had installed. It had been like this for the past two days ever since Gates gave her the time off. In the time since she had found herself sleeping on the couch or sometimes even on the floor.

Her behavior struck her as crazy. It was something she had never experienced before. She looked at her right arm which now had an extra large band aid having cut it on a piece of glass a couple days ago after a glass cup had shattered to the floor. Her mind brought her back to the throbbing, the sensation that she had felt as the object scraped her flesh that night.

Beckett had talked to her doctor about medication, something to take the edge off. He said that medication did help but that it wasn't instant. The sensation from her cut was. She scolded herself for even letting herself go there but this was the instant fix she needed. She hadn't felt it at the time, her body running on pure adrenaline but she had felt the throbbing shortly after and it's exactly what she needed.

Placing her glass of whiskey aside Beckett reached over to the end table that had the drawer attached. In some folded paper towels were the glass shards. At the time she did not understand why she couldn't bring herself to get rid of them, now she knew.

She leaned her back against the wall and took a deep breath. She brought the sharp object down to her left forearm and let it slide horizontally like a violin bow on a string. It felt good against her smooth skin. She brought the glass object up and repeated the movement over the same line. It was nice to focus on something other than her raging thoughts and fears. It wouldn't take those things away completely but at least for now it could help numb them, let the endorphins kick in and give her a sense of high when the whiskey hadn't been doing the job.

* * *

Time seemed to pass and yet it didn't. Beckett was still lost in her ritual that she did not hear the knock on the door.

Castle knew she was home. He had called the precinct thinking that she may have shown up to work but she hadn't. He had even called her father who had not heard from his daughter since she had left the cabin after her recovery.

Beckett groaned at Castle's knocking knowing it was him. The people in her life knew when to give her space, he didn't.

She brought the piece of glass down. "Go away Castle," she said not bothering to get up.

"How'd you know it was me," he said in his ever cheerful voice.

Beckett rolled her eyes. She was not in the mood for cheerful. "Who else would it be," she whispered.

Castle knocked again. "I'm not going away you know?"

Beckett knocked her head back against the wall. What was with him? Why couldn't he just leave well enough alone and just leave in general? She thought a moment and wondered if the best thing was to just stay there and if Castle meant he was not leaving then maybe he could just sit out there and wait.

She shook her head and knew that wasn't going to work because if he did stay out all night then she would have to leave at some point and he would still be there.

"I know you're in there," he said, "I can hear you breathing."

He of course couldn't but that was not the point. He waited and then shortly after he began to hear some shuffling inside.

From the other side of the door Beckett went to her bedroom first to grab a long-sleeved button up jean shirt.

Castle listened as Beckett unlocked the door. There was an extra click. He sighed knowing that she must have added a new lock but he said nothing and instead put on a smile as the door opened. He held up a brown paper bag.

"Okay so I've got popcorn and gummy bears. Race in Space, MegaForce Rangers, Robo-Body Seizers which I think is a ridiculous title and that ever classic Joss Weaton show that the damn world just can't stop talking about."

"I'm not really in the mood Castle," said Beckett.

"Come on who doesn't like Joss Weaton, not to mention that ever ruggedly handsome space cowboy, if I do say so myself," he said with a smile.

"Okay first of all there are no cows in space and second that show only lasted what a year?"

"Hey that happens to be the best year of my life plus they got a movie deal out of it."

She placed up her arms, "Castle I don't care, I'm not in the mood now go home."

Castle only now noticed that Beckett hadn't turned on any of the lights. The light from the hallway showcased her arms though. Her right sleeve had slipped revealing a band-aid and her left sleeve was soaked. Castle's expression changed as he began to really worry about his friend.

He reached for her left hand which was placed on the door. Beckett pulled back.

"It's nothing," she said knowing full well that she was just saying that so he could back off. He did too though, he knew her too well, because he took a step closer, one step closer inside.

"Like hell it's nothing." He made his way fully inside her apartment. "I'm not going anywhere," he repeated with force.

Castle placed the bag to the side. Their movies could wait.

* * *

**Author's Note: **_Okay I swear I had no intention of writing in a Firefly/Serenity reference. My objective was that Castle was going to come in with some movies and when I was writing them those were just names that came from my imagination but little did I know that Firefly was in Castle's mystery bag. That just kind of happened I swear. And even when it did I honestly had no idea that Castle and Beckett were going to have a conversation over it. That too was not planned._

_Don't you just love when those Firefly references come on the show though!_


	4. Right Here

**4.) Right Here**

* * *

Castle fumbled around in the dark straight ahead for a light switch in the living room. He turned on a lamp that was situated on an end table near the couch. He saw Beckett's empty glass cup to the side wall along with a shard of glass that had traces of blood. He said nothing and instead motioned Beckett to the couch.

Though she didn't want him to be here Beckett remained silent. She took a seat on the far left end so that her left arm wasn't touching the back of the couch. Castle took a seat in front of her. Castle helped to take off her long sleeve t-shirt. She didn't flinch as the fabric from the sleeve caught on the blood and the cut. The light showed the blood running along the left arm. When that sleeve was gently removed Castle placed the dirty shirt on the floor. He held her left arm in his hand.

"Kate," he whispered.

She did not look at him but said, "It looks worse than it is."

He placed a hand on her knee. "I'll be right back," he said making his way to her bathroom in search for some first aid supplies.

It didn't take long. He returned with a bottle of Bactine antiseptic, some band aids and some gauze pads and gauze rolls.

There was one long cut which was the deepest and to the sides of it were several other cuts. They were bleeding too but not as badly as the major one. Castle put the band aids on the floor knowing they wouldn't be what she needed. He took the cap off from the antiseptic.

"This might sting a little," he said to her as he reached for her arm. Beckett let Castle spray it but said nothing. She winced a little and tried to hide a small smile.

Castle caught it though. "You think this is funny?"

"Sorry, it's not funny. It just felt nice that's all."

After he was done Castle placed a few square sized gauze pads and taped them down and then he went to one of the rolled gauzes and began to wrap her arm.

"Why would you do this to yourself Kate?" he asked after a couple minutes had passed.

"I needed something to take the edge off."

He glanced to the empty cup. "The drinking I can understand but this?"

"It helped."

"All it's done is created more scars."

Beckett shrugged, "Well what's a few more right?"

"I've done research I know what this stuff is but Kate I never figured you to be-,"

Beckett got up from the couch, "Yeah well sorry to disappoint you."

Castle shook his head, "That's not what I meant," he said turning to look at her. Her back was facing him.

* * *

She walked over to the kitchen table top and touched a newspaper that was there. "I see you guys caught the guy."

"Yeah," said Castle coming over to the table. "Esposito was able to get a round off before our guy fired at his target."

"Good to see you guys didn't need me."

"We'll always need you Beckett. Just like right now you need us," he said bringing the subject back to point.

"No I don't, I'm fine," she said crossing her arms.

"You are not fine! Get angry, get pissed off, feel something."

"I do feel something! Every day I feel the tug of my scars and I'm reminded of what happened. Every day I feel hatred for the man who did this, angry that we haven't caught the son of bitch yet but you know what, I don't need you to tell me how I should feel. You did your job Castle, you came and checked up on me, you even bandaged my arm so you can go. Just back off and tell everyone else too."

Castle walked toward Beckett to where he was only a couple feet away from her.

"I'm not going anywhere," he said for the third time that night.

Beckett held up her right arm, her hand touching his chest to prevent him from getting any closer.

"I mean it Castle, just leave."

She began to slightly pound on his chest as he repeated the same words. Castle then wrapped his arms around Beckett as she began to pound more fiercely, a wave of tears washed over her.

"I'm not going anywhere. I am right here Kate. Can't you see that I am right here," he said holding onto her.

The pounding had stopped and Beckett's body had weakened but her tears began to increase. Castle held onto her for what seemed like a long while.

He eventually broke the silence by saying, "That's why you did it isn't it? You wanted to feel like you had some control, you wanted those raging thoughts in your head to just stop." Castle felt Kate nod. "It's going to be okay Kate. You're going to be okay."

"No I'm not," she said speaking up for the first time since her outburst.

"Then I'll help you find a way."

* * *

Beckett backed up to look at him but he still held her. She knew what an awkward position she was in but she didn't care. The way he had held onto her, not letting her go- it was the first time in a long time where Beckett felt truly safe. It didn't matter if her windows were locked or she had several padlocks on the front door, they only enclosed her, she didn't feel safe the way she did now in Castle's arms. She knew this was dangerous. She had just been on a rollercoaster of emotions and she didn't want to compromise herself but she couldn't bring herself to back away either.

"Why," she asked. "Why do you even care? Why out of all the people in my life are you the one who doesn't listen? Lanie, Espo, Ryan, even Gates, they all backed off knowing I needed space but not you. Why?"

Castle let out a small smile. "Maybe I know you better than you think I do."

She searched his eyes knowing he was only half telling the truth. "It's more than that." She knew it was. She remembered.

He just shrugged. "Maybe it is." His eyes turned serious, "Right now that doesn't matter. What matters is you and making sure you're taken care of. It's been a long night, what do you say about getting to bed?

Beckett nodded, "That sounds good." And it did. She had had a long night as it was. Her whole body ached from the stress and her left arm was starting to throb not that she minded that part since she had brought it on herself.

Beckett diverted her eyes and bit her inner lip before looking back at the man still holding her.

"Um, Castle," she said glancing down.

He glanced down as well. "Oh, right, sorry."

Kate just nodded and then walked to the direction of her bedroom. She could hear Castle's footsteps behind her so she stopped and turned.

"What are you doing?"

"I just thought I'd tuck you in." Kate looked at him and Rick realized his mistake. "Okay that is not what I meant."

"Yeah I know what you meant," she said but liking the fact that Castle squirmed at his statement. "But really you don't have to do that I'm fine."

"Would you quit saying that and just let me do this for you?"

"Okay but there's one condition: no one gets to hear a word of this are we clear? No one at the precinct, not Alexis, not even your mother."

Castle had a guilty look on his face, "Well my mother kind of all ready knows."

"What!"

"Well she doesn't know the details, just that I was coming over to see how you were doing."

"Castle what's she gonna think when you don't go home?"

This time he smiled, "So you had considered letting me stay."

Beckett cursed herself for falling into the trap she had set for herself. She should have just gone to her room silently and let Castle place the covers over her.

"Relax," said Castle. "You have nothing to worry about with my mother, I promise. Now can we please get you to bed, you look like you're gonna pass out on me."

Beckett nodded and turned back in the direction she was going.

* * *

When they reached the bedroom Beckett could smell traces of lavender which she recognized immediately from a bottle of her pillow spray. As she turned on the nightstand lamp sure enough on the nightstand was the glass bottle.

"Hope you don't mind," said Castle, "I found it in your bathroom. It's supposed to help you relax."

Normally Beckett would have been pissed that Castle went into her room without permission but at this rate she needed all the extra help for sleep she could get so she let it slide.

"That was um… that was very thoughtful thanks." She looked around and then up at Castle. "Do you mind turning around for a sec?"

"Oh sure."

Kate took off her t-shirt and then reached behind her to take off her bra. She quickly tucked it under the mattress and then put her shirt on.

"Thanks," she said as she got into her bed. She fumbled slightly with her left hand as she tried to get the covers.

Castle's hand grazed hers as he said, "I got it." And then he placed the sheet and covers over her making sure she was tucked in nice and secure.

Beckett's eyes were all ready closed. "Hey Castle," she said to him, eyes still closed. "You are staying right?"

"If that's what you want."

Beckett nodded. "It feels safe with you here."

"Then I'll stay."

Beckett drifted off into her slumber for the night. Castle ran a hand through her hair and whispered, "I love you." He knew he would regret those words later but the timing now felt right, he couldn't explain why.

He placed a kiss on her forehead before turning off the lamp and making his way to the couch that would be his bed for the night.


End file.
